The first (and hopefully not the last) letter

Dear,

All I expected to come out of our first meeting was a light, cutesy flirting moment. I never thought that that 15minutes of coaching session will lead me to now, a moment when I feel like I'm lost when I don't see you around. When I get paranoid when you don't text back. When I'd feel a stab of jealousy everytime you think of your "alaga". I never wanted things to get this deep. Not now. Not ever.

See, I have commitment issues. This is not saying that we're already in a commited relationship, but sometimes it feels that way. And those sometimes are enough to make me feel guarded. For someone who falls so easily (I hate admitting that but it's unfortunately true), I have a heart that has big, strong walls. I've put up these walls caerfully after being hurt numerous times before. I know that guys can be huge a$$holes at times and that no matter how stubborn my heart can be, falling even to the baddest boy of them all, I'll never, ever be the fist to say, "Hey, I love you." I've never been in a relationship to date because of this. I think it's only now that I realize that I've forever been in pseudo-relationships because of my own choosing. Pseudo-relationships come with the perks of relationships, sans the things that make me fear them: the bounds, the restrictions, the possibility of a heartache. Yeah, heartaches may also come with pseudo-relationships but they hurt less and sometimes are easier to soothe.

So here I am. 25 years of age. With a heart that's been bruised and broken a couple of times. And a defense that, I thought, is harder to break -- especially after my last heartache. Then you come walking into my life. And you come armed with a sensitivity that is slowly melting all my defenses away. And as much as it makes me afraid, I can't deny that I want it all. That despite this sense of an impending heart ache (aren't all love stories built that way -- impending heart aches?), I'm willing to risk my heart once again.

Less than a month ago, I was telling one of my closest wavemates that I'm not going to give in. That despite your oh-so-wonderful words, I'm going to stick to my resolve: that I'm just going to have pure fun. No strings attached. But recently, when you walked into your favorite pizza place and told me you loved me, my resolve dissolved. And I wanted to say "I love you back" but I was still struggling to keep a piece of my old self. I was debating with myself whether what we have is worth leaving my comfort zone. And I think I hurt you by not saying those words back. But I figured if you really loved me, you'll let me take my sweet time.

What's the point of this letter then? To let you know that I love what we have. That I'm happy being with you. That in fact, I've never been happier. But that if I can't say the words back, it's not because I don't love you. It's just that I'm still struggling to keep my ground. To convince myself that letting go of my single blessedness ain't that bad.

Stay. The same way I said I'll wait...

Karen

Hailie's back with a corny post...

Lotsa things to blog about. But I don't have the time right now. So I'm just going to post this entry I've typed weeks ago...sorry for the mush...

"Of Trouble Sleeping"

It was a surprise. Even to me. Finding out that this guy I've been crushing on is more than just a crush. I prolly knew that. But I never owned up to it until that Sunday morning when I cried talking about him. Or perhaps even before that. When I woke up on Saturday night, hard of breathing, afraid that I'll never see him again -- all because I had this bad dream that he died in an accident. I wanted to send him an SMS then and there, just to make sure he was ok. But I didn't want to appear like I cared so much. Sounds crazy, I know. But when you're a woman, experiencing a rare moment of insecurity because object of affection is currently involved with a model whom you're pretty sure has everything you'll never measure up to, you end up feeling there's no sense in trying.

You know how, in your life, everyone you end up liking seem to fall under one category? And then you meet this one person who deviates from your template of the 'likable' guy and you think to yourself, "I'm never going to crush on him." Then boom, one day, you know you're not just crushing on him but you're actually falling for him. Because as you spend more and more time with him, you find out that there's more than that initial reaction of boringness. In fact, you find out that he's everything but boring. What's more, he makes you feel like you don't have to pretend around him. Everything just comes so naturally. It was especially nice when you found out that you can actually drag him to a carinderia and he won't mind. And that he actually enjoys it. Then without a warning, you start thinking about more simple mornings spent with him. More laughters. More talks. And more of those rare, effortless moments that are so mundane but are able to make your heart go aflutter. But just when these moments - or the mere memories of them - paint a smile in your face, he talks about the special girl in his life. Then you realize that these moments only evoke special memories in you and that he'll never see them in the same way you do. Perhaps even then, when you start recalling about these moments more and more, you already felt that you were falling. But since there's this seemingly perfect girl who's making him happy, you tried to suppress the emotions. So hard. That one day, it just came bursting out and you had nothing else to do but confess - even just to yourself - that you've fallen for the one guy you said you never will.

I know this is an overly dramatic post about someone I'm pretty sure is going to stay as just a friend. But sometimes I can't help but wonder why it always has to be a case of unrequited love. And this time, I'm wondering more and more because for the first time in all the unrequited loves of my life, I'm wishing so hard that this is the one that will make me say, "Hey, it wasn't unrequited after all..."

Feeling: in love, unfortunately
Curled up in bed with: Fear of Flying Erica Jong
All ears to: Is It You? Cassie

New template

Yes, summer is here. And I decided to upgrade my blog's look to match the season. Makes me wish I'm free to go to the beach...I can almost hear the waves chanting my name. And I miss my healthy, sexy tanned look. Puerto Galera, Pagudpod, Hundred Islands, wait for me. I'll be there by May. Hopefully. ^___^;;

Simba almost re-emerges

It's a curse, I swear. The first time Karen goes out for drinks with new officemates, she ends up making a fool of herself. The only time it didn't happen was with her Eat Bulaga workmates.

In RMH, when Bacth Zion 'graduated' from voice and accent training, we went out for a celebratory inuman. By the end of the session, Karen was all tears, pouring out her heart's deepest secrets, and unknowingly showing things she would have otherwise kept secret had she been sober. And her hair was all wild and wet, hence making her officemates dub her as "Simba".

In QJ, Karen, Rem, Jerico, and another officemate whose name she now forgets, decided to grab some drinks at a place near ABS-CBN. Halfway through the inuman, Hailie barfed and slept until it was time to go home. Amazingly, she was able to take a cab home without manong driver cheating her out of her money. The driver must have taken one look at her and said, "She's almost dead. It doesn't feel right robbing her." Or Karen just might have been lucky enough to have a really pure-hearted cab driver.

The curse shows itself again last Saturday. After ECE and CCT training, Karen and her wavemates went to Dencio's Paseo Center to celebrate having passed the first batch of training. Karen was her usual self: that means she decided to drink Red Horse using straw. She downed four or five bottles. And whaddya know, Karen fell asleep again. She even needed someone to carry her downstairs after the inuman session. The bad thing was, she was wearing a dress. It wasn't quite a Simba moment but it almost morphed into one. Gawd. I don't know why this keeps on happening to me! *whapak*

So to all my wavemates, sorry that you had to tend to me. Thanks Loki for carrying me. Thanks to April whom I distinctly remember saying, "Takpan niyo si Karen." Thanks to BJ, Mark, and Alex who all had to go out of their way to take me home. I swear guys, I'm not always like this. Tee-hee! Babawi ako next time. One round's on me. *winks*

Feeling: woozy
Curled up in bed with: False Impression Jeffrey Archer
All ears to: Future Urbandub and Dicta License

Blogging hiatus

I am on blogging hiatus. Aside from my PC breaking down, I am also undergoing graveyard shift training, making it diffiult for me these days to go online. So to all my cyber friends, I apologize if I'm not able to drop by your sites as often as I can. Once I get my groove back (and my PC fixed, of course), I'll go and make my usual rounds of your pages.

Okay, since I'm online I'll go and post some update on what's been happening.

I've left my module writing job and started on a new higher-paying (*winks*) job. I never thought I'll be going back to the call center industry but here I am, on my sixth day at a new call center. This time though, I won't be an agent but a communication coach, which is why I decided to take in the job offer in the first place (and the pay is, of course, very, very appealing as well). Teaching is my thing, I think. I feel most special and worthy when I am able to help out other people. And being a communication coach will allow me to be sort of a teacher. I also realized that I work best when I'm in the night shift -- I am awake until 5am most days anyway and my mind is always a-buzzin' at night time. In the morning, it's just dead. Beside, working at night makes it easy for me to lose weight. Yay! Perfect timing for the beach season.

So yeah, I'm once again in the call center business and I hope that this will be the job (and company) that will make me stay put for more than just 11 months. Wish me luck everyone! Details the next time I go on line.

* * * *

Oh BTW, belated Happy Valnetine's Day everyone. Did you know that "Condom Awareness Week" was launched on February 14? Ain't that weird?

One more day 'til the end of "Condom Awareness Week". So, borrowing a phrase from one of my friends: NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

Toodles!

Feeling: giddy
All ears to: Complex Dicta License
Curled up in bed with: False Impression Jeffrey Archer