Lesson learned

In an attempt to escape from my reality, I watched 27 Dresses the other day. James Marsden's character said something that struck me:

"I think you deserve more than what you settle for... I think you deserve to be taken care of."

Someday soon, that one person I truly deserve will come walking into my life.

(P.S. I do believe in karma. I'm leaving it all to faith...baby.)

Feeling: pensive

All ears to: Almost Lover A Fine Frenzy

Curled up in bed with: Haunted Chuck Palahniuk and New Moon Stephenie Meyer

"Hindi bagay sa'yo ang cheap. Hindi bagay sa'yo ang karma."

...'yan ang sabi sa'kin ni Mabie nang mag-kape kami kagabi sa Gloria Jean's V.A. Rufino. Kasama namin si Karl. Tatawa-tawa lang siya. Pero alam ko kahit paano, agree siya sa sinabi ni Princess. Sa panahong 'yun, nararamdaman ko nang nangingilid ang mga luha sa aking mata. Sabay humirit pa siya ng,

"You're too good of a person for that."

Gusto ko na noon umiyak. Pero hindi pa din rumolyo ang mga luha. Sa sarili ko kasi, ayokong isipin na may ginagawa akong ka-cheapan. O na may cause para ma-alarma ako na hahagupitin ako ni karma ng napakalupit. Sa isip ko, this is a way for me to save myself from too much pain. Na ayoko lang matali sa isang sitwasyon kung saan sa dulo ako na naman ang talo.

Pero sa dulo, napag-isip pa din ako. Bakit umiyak ang una kong reaksyon? Kasi alam ko din, kahit paano, tama si Mabie. Slut has never been my forte. I'm playful, yeah. I may be open to try new stuff here and there and willing to learn new things but I've always been the "bubbly, secretly hopeless romantic" one. The one who, despite being a hurt a couple of times, keeps her belief in being happy with just the one. I always fall hard. I keep crushes yeah, but I've always been the loyal one. I still am. But I came so close to being that one girl whom everybody brands as "easy". Nang sabihin sa'kin ni Mambie na I shouldn't be blowing my chances with this one person, 'dun ka na-realize kung bakit ginusto kong umiyak. Kasi naalala ko na in the deepest wells of my heart, I want things to work out with him. That at the end of the day, kahit ayoko lang matali sa isang sitwasyon kung saan sa dulo ako na naman ang talo (gaya nang nasabi ko na), I'd still willingly throw everything away para matali sa kanya. At alam kong hindi ako talo.

At isa pa. Masaya din naman maging hopeless romantic. It's like being a kid forever; which means that even as your classmates tease you so hard, you still hold on to the hope that Santa Claus will give you a gift on Christmas night if you become good all year round; and that the tooth fairy will leave you some cash if you leave your tooth underneath your pillow; and that the Care Bears do exist; and that you can be one of the Bioman if you wish it really hard. Yeah, just holding on to the hope that love can be true and love can be pure and love can -- eventually -- be bliss is a happy thought. Just as much as the feeling of being in love itself.

At doon ko na-conclude...

Hindi bagay sa'kin ang cheap. Hindi bagay sa'kin ang karma. I'm too good of a person for that.

Hailie's back with a corny post...

Lotsa things to blog about. But I don't have the time right now. So I'm just going to post this entry I've typed weeks ago...sorry for the mush...

"Of Trouble Sleeping"

It was a surprise. Even to me. Finding out that this guy I've been crushing on is more than just a crush. I prolly knew that. But I never owned up to it until that Sunday morning when I cried talking about him. Or perhaps even before that. When I woke up on Saturday night, hard of breathing, afraid that I'll never see him again -- all because I had this bad dream that he died in an accident. I wanted to send him an SMS then and there, just to make sure he was ok. But I didn't want to appear like I cared so much. Sounds crazy, I know. But when you're a woman, experiencing a rare moment of insecurity because object of affection is currently involved with a model whom you're pretty sure has everything you'll never measure up to, you end up feeling there's no sense in trying.

You know how, in your life, everyone you end up liking seem to fall under one category? And then you meet this one person who deviates from your template of the 'likable' guy and you think to yourself, "I'm never going to crush on him." Then boom, one day, you know you're not just crushing on him but you're actually falling for him. Because as you spend more and more time with him, you find out that there's more than that initial reaction of boringness. In fact, you find out that he's everything but boring. What's more, he makes you feel like you don't have to pretend around him. Everything just comes so naturally. It was especially nice when you found out that you can actually drag him to a carinderia and he won't mind. And that he actually enjoys it. Then without a warning, you start thinking about more simple mornings spent with him. More laughters. More talks. And more of those rare, effortless moments that are so mundane but are able to make your heart go aflutter. But just when these moments - or the mere memories of them - paint a smile in your face, he talks about the special girl in his life. Then you realize that these moments only evoke special memories in you and that he'll never see them in the same way you do. Perhaps even then, when you start recalling about these moments more and more, you already felt that you were falling. But since there's this seemingly perfect girl who's making him happy, you tried to suppress the emotions. So hard. That one day, it just came bursting out and you had nothing else to do but confess - even just to yourself - that you've fallen for the one guy you said you never will.

I know this is an overly dramatic post about someone I'm pretty sure is going to stay as just a friend. But sometimes I can't help but wonder why it always has to be a case of unrequited love. And this time, I'm wondering more and more because for the first time in all the unrequited loves of my life, I'm wishing so hard that this is the one that will make me say, "Hey, it wasn't unrequited after all..."

Feeling: in love, unfortunately
Curled up in bed with: Fear of Flying Erica Jong
All ears to: Is It You? Cassie