Of the past and its effects on Hailie

Three pseudo-relationships. All ending up with the guy 'cheating'. End result is Hailie with a broken, nay MANGLED, heart. I remember her saying, a month after the last guy ripped her heart apart and amidst buckets and buckets and buckets of tears, that she'll never love the same way again. Or that perhaps she'll never really love again.

And I thought she meant that she'll never enter a psuedo-relationship again. That she'll stop being so giving. That the next time around, she'll be as heartless as the guys who've broken her heart have been.

That's what she thought as well.

And we were both wrong.

She did let herself enter another pseudo-relationship. She never stopped giving. And she can never bring herself to being as heartless as all those guys who've broken her heart.

So what's changed?

She doesn't know how to trust anymore. Her once blind faith has been totally wiped out...

Perhaps because of her failed relationships, she's resorted to always thinking that her guy will cheat on her eventually. So that when it finally happens, it will be easier to accept. So now, every little thing make her doubt... And she's almost sure that when things end with her current psuedo-relationship, it's because the guy cheated on her.

But she's soon realizing that being in the other end of the spectrum is not a good thing as well. She ends up being too much to bear that she ends up pushing people away.

She badly needs to find her middle ground. Soon.

Feeling: bored
All ears to: the TV, showing October Road
Curled up in bed with: Tuesdays with Morrie Mitch Albom

Random thoughts on a lazy Sunday morning

...is fun. But can get pretty tiring. Especially when you've started to invest more than you should.

* * * *

I woke up to a dramatic SMS from a really good gay friend. S/he shared about how a months long unrequited love is still making him/her shed tears. And I honestly, honestly felt the pain.

It's easy to say, "Move on. There are still other fishes in the ocean." but when you're in that position where my friend is (and where I once was - is?), it's hard to heed that advice. Because deep inside, you do know that letting go and moving on is the best thing to do but that no matter what you do you just can't seem to do so. It's not stubbornness; it's that hope that perhaps you didn't make a wrong decision after all and that one day, your love becomes not so unrequited after all. Choosing to hang on may be a stupid decision, but as they say, heart is the dumb blonde of the body and no matter what you tell it, it stands with its stupidity.

All these makes me remember the latest McDonald's commercial...the one that makes me teary-eyed everytime I see it:

* * * *

For some weird reason, I feel like The Cranberries' Linger is my 'song of the moment'.

Sigh.

Feeling: melancholic

All ears to: Stars: The Best of 1992 - 2002 The Cranberries
Curled up in bed with: A Personal History Katharine Graham