Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The first (and hopefully not the last) letter

Dear,

All I expected to come out of our first meeting was a light, cutesy flirting moment. I never thought that that 15minutes of coaching session will lead me to now, a moment when I feel like I'm lost when I don't see you around. When I get paranoid when you don't text back. When I'd feel a stab of jealousy everytime you think of your "alaga". I never wanted things to get this deep. Not now. Not ever.

See, I have commitment issues. This is not saying that we're already in a commited relationship, but sometimes it feels that way. And those sometimes are enough to make me feel guarded. For someone who falls so easily (I hate admitting that but it's unfortunately true), I have a heart that has big, strong walls. I've put up these walls caerfully after being hurt numerous times before. I know that guys can be huge a$$holes at times and that no matter how stubborn my heart can be, falling even to the baddest boy of them all, I'll never, ever be the fist to say, "Hey, I love you." I've never been in a relationship to date because of this. I think it's only now that I realize that I've forever been in pseudo-relationships because of my own choosing. Pseudo-relationships come with the perks of relationships, sans the things that make me fear them: the bounds, the restrictions, the possibility of a heartache. Yeah, heartaches may also come with pseudo-relationships but they hurt less and sometimes are easier to soothe.

So here I am. 25 years of age. With a heart that's been bruised and broken a couple of times. And a defense that, I thought, is harder to break -- especially after my last heartache. Then you come walking into my life. And you come armed with a sensitivity that is slowly melting all my defenses away. And as much as it makes me afraid, I can't deny that I want it all. That despite this sense of an impending heart ache (aren't all love stories built that way -- impending heart aches?), I'm willing to risk my heart once again.

Less than a month ago, I was telling one of my closest wavemates that I'm not going to give in. That despite your oh-so-wonderful words, I'm going to stick to my resolve: that I'm just going to have pure fun. No strings attached. But recently, when you walked into your favorite pizza place and told me you loved me, my resolve dissolved. And I wanted to say "I love you back" but I was still struggling to keep a piece of my old self. I was debating with myself whether what we have is worth leaving my comfort zone. And I think I hurt you by not saying those words back. But I figured if you really loved me, you'll let me take my sweet time.

What's the point of this letter then? To let you know that I love what we have. That I'm happy being with you. That in fact, I've never been happier. But that if I can't say the words back, it's not because I don't love you. It's just that I'm still struggling to keep my ground. To convince myself that letting go of my single blessedness ain't that bad.

Stay. The same way I said I'll wait...


Karen

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Hailie's back with a corny post...

Lotsa things to blog about. But I don't have the time right now. So I'm just going to post this entry I've typed weeks ago...sorry for the mush...

"Of Trouble Sleeping"

It was a surprise. Even to me. Finding out that this guy I've been crushing on is more than just a crush. I prolly knew that. But I never owned up to it until that Sunday morning when I cried talking about him. Or perhaps even before that. When I woke up on Saturday night, hard of breathing, afraid that I'll never see him again -- all because I had this bad dream that he died in an accident. I wanted to send him an SMS then and there, just to make sure he was ok. But I didn't want to appear like I cared so much. Sounds crazy, I know. But when you're a woman, experiencing a rare moment of insecurity because object of affection is currently involved with a model whom you're pretty sure has everything you'll never measure up to, you end up feeling there's no sense in trying.

You know how, in your life, everyone you end up liking seem to fall under one category? And then you meet this one person who deviates from your template of the 'likable' guy and you think to yourself, "I'm never going to crush on him." Then boom, one day, you know you're not just crushing on him but you're actually falling for him. Because as you spend more and more time with him, you find out that there's more than that initial reaction of boringness. In fact, you find out that he's everything but boring. What's more, he makes you feel like you don't have to pretend around him. Everything just comes so naturally. It was especially nice when you found out that you can actually drag him to a carinderia and he won't mind. And that he actually enjoys it. Then without a warning, you start thinking about more simple mornings spent with him. More laughters. More talks. And more of those rare, effortless moments that are so mundane but are able to make your heart go aflutter. But just when these moments - or the mere memories of them - paint a smile in your face, he talks about the special girl in his life. Then you realize that these moments only evoke special memories in you and that he'll never see them in the same way you do. Perhaps even then, when you start recalling about these moments more and more, you already felt that you were falling. But since there's this seemingly perfect girl who's making him happy, you tried to suppress the emotions. So hard. That one day, it just came bursting out and you had nothing else to do but confess - even just to yourself - that you've fallen for the one guy you said you never will.

I know this is an overly dramatic post about someone I'm pretty sure is going to stay as just a friend. But sometimes I can't help but wonder why it always has to be a case of unrequited love. And this time, I'm wondering more and more because for the first time in all the unrequited loves of my life, I'm wishing so hard that this is the one that will make me say, "Hey, it wasn't unrequited after all..."


Feeling: Photobucket in love, unfortunately
Curled up in bed with: Fear of Flying Erica Jong
All ears to: Is It You? Cassie